This Might Matter More Than Love in Marriage

I stumbled onto the secret to a happy marriage. And then I fell flat on my face.

A few weeks ago I stood on the sidelines of my daughter’s marching band, chatting with a friend and fellow band parent. The topic of our conversation turned to his wife’s job.

“She’s so good at what she does,” he said. Then he listed a series of his wife’s talents and strengths, as though they were a fact of nature.

It wasn’t just the words that struck me but his demeanor. His eyes sparkled, his smile settled assuredly on his lips, and I could tell he was no stranger to praising his wife’s lovely qualities.

Wow. When was the last time I praised my spouse like that?

Not recently enough. Sure, my husband knows I love him. I thank him for cooking dinner and mowing the lawn. I appreciate his work ethic and skills.

But do I admire him?

Do I actively seek reasons to champion him?

How often do I tell him anything complimentary to his face?

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our daily tasks. Wake up, walk the dogs, make sure the kids have enough gas to get to school or work. Shuffle deadlines, tune into Zoom calls, respond to six thousand emails. Toss some chicken in the air fryer, feed the people, scrub the dishes, crash on the sofa for a quick family movie night then get up and do it all over again.

And I vaguely remember a guy named Chad wandering in the background of my existence. I think I like him. I think we’re friends. I just haven’t stopped to look into his eyes for about six days (weeks?), nor can I remember what he was wearing when he went to bed an hour before me, as usual.

If this is your marriage, too, then solidarity, sister. We’re not too far gone. We’re just a little off the golden path.

And it’s time to hop back on.

Because here’s what that band dad conversation showed me. Love in a marriage might be presumed. Love will weather storms and gloomy days. I will always love my husband. But after years upon years of marriage, perhaps more important than love is admiration. Finding something to respect and applaud about the person you’re married to, reasons to notice his talents, to speak highly of him in natural conversation and to believe your own words like you believe there’s blood running through your veins – that’s the sunshine that breaks through mundanity and illuminates married life to the glory it deserves.

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand… he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend” (Song of Songs, 5:10, 16).

As for my fellow band parent, there's a detail I didn't mention.

His son is dating my daughter.

So that conversation wasn't just convicting - it was also encouraging. Because I could see the fruit of his example right there in how this young man treats my precious girl. His dad has been modeling, day after day, how to speak well of the woman you love, and now my daughter gets to benefit from that legacy.

Do you see the power in our actions? Our marriages aren't just about us. They're about what we're teaching the next generation love looks like.

So here's my challenge for all of us: let's find one thing to admire about our spouses today and say it out loud. Not just “thanks for taking out the trash” – but something that makes them who they are.

Our marriages will grow stronger, our kids will benefit, and honestly? We might just remember why we fell for these guys in the first place.