Is Marriage Still Worth It?

A good friend of mine once asked her Bible study group—all women in their 50s—whether they’d choose marriage again if they had to start over.

None of them said yes.

Is this because they couldn’t imagine losing their husbands and tying themselves to someone new? Maybe. But more likely what they meant is that if they could go back in time, they would not have chosen the husband they’re married to now. They might not even have chosen marriage at all.

And this should trouble us—for two reasons:

One, we’re Christians. In God’s eyes, marriage is still sacred. It’s a reflection of Christ’s relationship to the church. We know this. Commitment and sacrifice—they’re not always fun but they are honorable, and when we lose sight of that, we lose sight of God’s will. I say this not to preach but to remind myself what the Bible says, so I can extend a hand in solidarity.

Which brings me to the other reason this whole idea bothers me: I can relate to it, to these women who are so disillusioned with marriage that they dream of greener grass. I want to say they’re unusual but they’re not. They’re real. They’re me and they’re you. If you can relate, too, then you’re not alone; dare I say you’re normal.

And that’s what really terrifies me.

I love my husband and he loves me. We’ve been blessed with 25 years of marriage and two amazing kids and a life I wouldn’t change when it comes right down to it.

Yet even in a state of generally contented family life, I, too, have felt the hurt. I relate to being misunderstood. I know what it means to be disappointed by another person. And so does my husband, because I am no grand lotto prize. I’m sinful, he’s sinful, we’re just one big ball of sin (and sweetness… that exists, too).

Which is kind of the point.

In every relationship we’ll collect joys and sorrows. The question isn’t will this guy make me happy but will I fight for him even when he doesn’t. Because that’s what it means to be like Christ.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.'" (Matthew 16:24–25)

I feel compelled to qualify this message with a related truth: For some precious women, the man really is the problem. These are my friends whose hearts I hold close, aching right alongside them as they reel and recover from unjust disloyalty or desertion. You probably know a few of these friends, too. Maybe you are that woman. Please believe you are loved by a God who makes all things new. He knows how much you’re worth.

Yet for most of us, we simply fall into the patterns of this world, expecting marriage to fulfill parts of our souls that were only ever meant to be filled by God. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like in daily life, to trust God will cover all the cracks of my earthly relationships. Maybe it’s just about humility. Focusing less on what I “deserve” and more on what I don’t—the never-ending love of a Savior who died for me, knowing I’d be flawed my whole life long.

If He can love me like that, then surely I can pass some of that love on to my husband.

Do you want to try it with me?

Maybe together we can change the common view of marriage in our encore years, from “I wouldn’t choose it again” to “God chose it for me, so I’m gonna stick it out with His help"—and find the beauty in it wherever we can.