The Dating Advice I Give My College Kid

Remember the old advice, “date to mate”? As in, don’t you dare go out with somebody unless you’re ready to get married and have babies. Yikes.

Lots of us midlife women were taught that principle like it was the gospel itself. Some of us carried it through to our own kids with Passport to Purity weekends and rules against school dances or texting a classmate of the opposite sex. It was all terribly strict stuff.

No shade to purity in its true biblical sense (I’m still a fan of godly conduct, although shaming is not the way to get there), I respectfully disagree with the “date to mate” philosophy. And I’ll tell you why.

It erases half the equation.

Yes, the ultimate purpose of dating is to find a spouse.

But it’s also to find yourself.

I don’t mean that philosophically but rather practically. Dating ought to reveal what we most desire in a partner. When my daughter dated a jealous boy, she learned she needed someone who trusts her. When she dated the reserved boy, she learned she needed someone who enjoys open communication. And when she dated the young man she thought was the one, she learned that time reveals cracks in a relationship that only God can fix. So she learned to trust Him more.

Do our kids need to date multiple people in order to land on their forever? Of course not. We all know plenty of couples who married their first sweetheart, and that’s beautiful. But it’s not the case for everyone. And we shouldn’t expect it of our kids.

If at some point the end game is marriage, then rule number one is anybody you date ought to be of marriageable character.

I tell my girls to check the boxes:

✓ Does he love Jesus?

✓ Is he kind?

✓ Is he honest?

✓ Does he inspire you to be a better person?

And quite honestly, they can’t really know that until they get to know a guy. That is what dating is for—the first half: character, equal yoke.

And the second? Compatibility.

If this is someone they could marry, is it someone they want to marry?

Which brings us back to the idea of finding yourself. Our kids could date the most amazing, faith-filled, kind-hearted person on the planet. But if they don’t gel as a unit? If they don’t share common interests or easy conversation or the same vision for the future?

If they don’t fall in love?

Then dating has done its job. It gave them a chance to discover a wrong choice before they sealed it for life.

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best…” (Philippians 1:9–10)

Time our kids spend dating is not wasted. If they set the guardrail that they won’t even step foot on a first date unless they believe this is someone of marriageable character (knowing it takes time to discern that for sure), then the dating process is what will allow them to determine whether or not this is the person God has in mind for their forever.

And I want to be a safe place to land while they do.

How about you? What have you been taught about dating, and have you taken a fresh approach with your own kids?

Ultimately they’re going to make their own decisions, and as moms we know we don’t have control over what our young adults do, nor should we. But we can speak into their lives with wisdom, encouragement, and love. And pray that God leads them as only He can.